Britain and America, are said to have a special one. Husbands and wives have a tender and romantic one. Mothers and Fathers with their offspring, have a paternal one. Brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, nieces and nephews have them. What do they have? Relationships!

Relationships, whether they are between countries or people, are a key aspect of everyday life.

We constantly come into contact with individuals and groups that we share some connection with. Whether it’s at home, at school or in the workplace, we cannot get away from relationships – they’re everywhere!

In this article, we want to address three basic questions regarding relationships. First, we want to define what a relationship is. Second, we want to know how they are formed. And finally, why it is that relationships are important to us.

Let’s take our first point: What exactly is a relationship?

One Dictionary defines relationship as:”The mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries or people.” So, a relationship exists between those who have something in common or some shared interest or feeling.

This brings us then to our second question: How are relationships formed?

Relationships are usually formed between individuals who share common experiences, interests, values and beliefs. Our strongest and closest relationships tend to be with those we hold more in common with.

What is the process we use then, to form our relationships? How do we begin to start a relationship in the first place?

You may not be aware of this, but we do in fact use a process called filtering to form our relationships. The filtering we use is influenced by our personal interests, values, beliefs and experiences. By what method do we use filtering? Through the use of questions.

Let’s see if we can illustrate this with a simple example.

A new person commences work at your place of employment. This person is introduced to all the people who are a part of your workforce.

During the course of the day, different colleagues engage this person in conversation. What do you think the initial conversation would consist of? Usually, it will be a barrage of questions. The new person would be asked where they come from, are they married, do they have a family. What are their hobbies and interests? What are their beliefs and values on certain matters? This process would continue over a period of time. Hopefully not all at once for the person!

You can apply this simple example to different situations. It can be applied to a social setting, work, school etc.

So, when we’re asking questions, we are actually finding out whether this person fits our criteria of someone we might form a friendship or relationship with.

There are of course, other factors too which would dictate the forming of friendships. But the asking of questions which provides us with information, is probably the key way we form any sort of interaction.

This brings us to our final point: Why are relationships so important to us?

Relationships provide us with many benefits. They give us a sense of community, identity,
a feeling of belonging, security and stability.

In the beginning, to form any relationship, it took effort and time. A bit like planting seeds, for anything to grow, they have to be watered!

Therefore, this important aspect of our lives needs to be cared for and nurtured.

So think of all the relationships that you’re a part of. Value them. Work hard to maintain them, and they’ll last a lifetime.

There’s a line in an old Simon and Garfunkel song that says: “Old friends, sharing a park bench like bookends.” That’s how our friendships should be. Something we’re comfortable with, and that makes us feel warm inside.

In future articles, we’ll look at some of the other areas in life where interactions with other people are important.

© 2008 Coach Ian Scott